Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.