A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.