[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
This pepper has seen some shit
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat