I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
blocked.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler