“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
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I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.