Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.