Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.