Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.