HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
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the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜