Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
The Struggle
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!