Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.