My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
normalize having existential bread
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.