My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.