Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
every. time.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
How did we not see this back then?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day