Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties