(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
sliding into dms like
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Did…did a minotaur write this
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]