Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’