Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
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Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.