Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
You Might Also Like
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese