Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Ah yes. The three genders
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
honestly, i need both:
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.