Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.