Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.