10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
You Might Also Like
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Who did it better?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.