10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Coffee for people with no kids
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
so, is there a mister shapen head
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.