I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
never deleting this app.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
don’t be scared
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
There is no “ea” in Tim.