The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.