Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My background check bounced.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years