well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*skinny dips into black hole
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK