Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
You Might Also Like
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?