I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”