“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Wait a minute
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client