@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

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@BitterOldPunk

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

@Wakenbake77

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

@DandyTruman

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@UpsideDad

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

@JohnHilsen

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

@EmissaryKerry

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?