@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

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@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

@TheAlexNevil

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

@Amusitr0n

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

@TheBlessMess

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

@TheAlexNevil

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?