Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.


Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.


“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.


Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?


My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.


Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?


You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice


ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?