Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
😩😩😩
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.