I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
You Might Also Like
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”