you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.