There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
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Mornin
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024