I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
nobody’s gonna understand
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.