My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.![]()
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.