My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
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[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My dad.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.