Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*