me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?