Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
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[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain