Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
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Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.