If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering