Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

Great game to play with friends