If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*