@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

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@KyleMcDowell86

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

@BruceForce

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

@Tbone7219

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

@Puncroaker

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

@junejuly12

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

@noog

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

@dru0887

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.