@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

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@birbigs

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

@RdrJay47

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

@imdaintyaf

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@lmwortho

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

@TheAlexNevil

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

@QwertyJones3

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word