Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Everything reminds me of my ex
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“What movie?” 🤔
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.