@MichaelJErhart *Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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@MichaelJErhart 
@birbigs Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
@RdrJay47 I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
@BobTheSuit You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
@imdaintyaf [Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
@goldengateblond my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
@TheBoydP Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
@lmwortho I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
@TheAlexNevil I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
@QwertyJones3 Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word