Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Everything reminds me of my ex
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“What movie?” 🤔
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.