Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You Might Also Like
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it