@KyleMcDowell86 [on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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@KyleMcDowell86 
@BruceForce *spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
@Ygrene Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
@ThisLocalHater Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
@gojarbe *spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
@Tbone7219 I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
@Puncroaker My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
@junejuly12 Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
@noog God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
@dru0887 No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.