Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro