5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
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*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW