The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Genius idea!!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.