Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.