6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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bugs when you lift up a rock
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!