Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
You Might Also Like
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!