Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.