Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
haha same
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.