@mrjohndarby
@lawyerthoughts Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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@lawyerthoughts 
@Book_Krazy Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
@karlykingsley If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
@PinkCamoTO Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
@internetluke Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
@robotrowboat Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
@NicCageMatch Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
@SamPsychMeds *toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
@smiles_and_nods Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
@Be___Dope Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.