doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.


Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!



If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.


Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.


Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake


Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.


Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.


*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?


Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.


Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.