doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Cashiers are always checking me out
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens