I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.