GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Bringing home a sharpie
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.